Old Post; Dec, 2010 Polish Christmas

Its that time of year again. Heat waves are surging through the country, fields of legal and illegal green crops are springing to life, flies and mosquitoes are provoking temporary madness and angry Afrikaners are protesting the black Santa at the Pioneer mall. Yes, my Peace Corps family, its starting to feel a lot like Christmas. Except it‘s not.

Orange county and swampy retirement communities aside, as Americans we have clear expectations of the holiday season. Snow, for starters, fat Santa’s and elves,decorated trees, itchy ugly sweaters, overly played ultra commercialized Christmas songs, the happy act of blowing ones budget on countless shopping sprees, and a vague notion of some Jewish guy named Jesus, whose barnyard themed birthday party has morphed into the colossal event that is Christmas.

Christmas in Lesotho can be tough, in that, besides the abundance of manger livestock, it feels and looks so wrong as to almost not exist. Last year in a desperate attempt to inject some holiday cheer into my life, I decorated an entire corner of my rondaval (just deal with it) with snowflakes, a plastic tree, Christmas cards and a Christmas themed pillowcase. It dawned on me one afternoon, as I lay sweating and staring at the paper and plastic display that it all looked like one of those curios shops that sells Christmas trinkets all year round; cheap and inauthentic.

I’ve never had a soft spot for the holidays before, but living a self-imposed exile life in a mountain desert prison can alter ones perspective and needs. And I needed Christmas. So I reached for something that was neither American (since I had no chance of drowning myself in retail therapy) nor Basotho (feasting on stamp, boiled chicken and black label could be saved for another day) and picked something better. A Polish Christmas.

A Polish Christmas contains all the necessary ingredients for a jolly good time.Gourmet cuisine (think borscht and potato pierogis), fine spirits (bulk-purchased vodka),the entertainingly intoxicated relative (probably all of them) and of course Santa arriving on Christmas eve to deliver presents while everyone partakes in eating the holy Jesus wafer (more on that later). Yet, I digress, the main point is that this mind-numbing cultural awesomeness was such a success last year in bringing Christmas cheer to ablistering hot Dec 24th ,that I’ve decided to share some key pointers to brighten your Christmas in Lesotho.

TIP #1

A burgundy colored beet soup must be present at the Christmas Eve dinner table, and each and every guest is obliged to savor it while proclaiming its deliciousness. Refer yourself to the Peace Corps cookbook for the excellent 5 spice beetroot soup recipe.

TIP #2

Download the latest Christmas songs from the #1 Polish Hits iTunes store (such as Rzeczkiewicz the Abdominal Snowman Goes to Warsaw, and Natasha and Boris hunt Rudolph the Red Nosed Moose Deer) and proceed to play them as loudly as possible in order to drown out any and all naysayers. Conversation may not be possible at this point, since many if not most of your uncultured guests will be complainers.

TIP#3

Never, under any circumstances should you allow guests shot glasses to remain empty.The key here is pouring half shots every fifteen minutes, and feel free to bully the light weights into drinking with friendly holiday taunts. The downing of the glasses should be done together with heartfelt shouts of “Na Zdrowie” (to your health) until everyone’s cheeks are glowing as red as the neglected bowls of borscht.

TIP#4

You must obtain a Jesus Wafer (doesn’t need to be holy) from an authentic source, preferably a Polish grandmother, and share it with all present. Bypassing the more complex and manipulative custom of hanging a mistletoe in order to seduce a potential love interest, the traditional Polish custom of sharing the wafer requires each person be approached, embraced and kissed. Thus allowing all interested parties to cop a feel, guilt free, and Jesus wafer sanctioned.

TIP#5

If you are feeling particularly authentic, feel free to throw in a few verbal jabs at any guest sporting either a German or Soviet heritage. However, make sure to keep a trusted multi-generational American nearby in case the calculative German or ill-trustworthy Comrade is tempted to overrun your fledgling Polish democracy, ehr, I mean dinner party.

TIP#6

Santa must deliver the presents on Christmas Eve. No exceptions. I’m sorry but I don’t make the rules.

So this year PC Lesotho, when you’re feeling down and aren’t quite sure how to boost your holiday spirit, take my advice and choose the best Christmas traditions for a most memorable 2010. Here’s wishing you all a very merry Polish Christmas and a Happy New Year!!